I love a good war.
No–that’s not exactly true. War is hell. War–huh–what is it good for?
Say it again.
But that’s not true, either. One thing war is good for is to take any problem and render in unitelligible.
The War on Poverty. Check. The War on Drugs. Check. The War on Terror. Double-check.
And now we’re swinging into my personal favorite: the War on Christmas.
Culture boy-toy Bill O’Reilly and the ejaculatory pundits of the right have identified the obliteration of Christmas in a secular world as the #1 real problem we should be worried about. Not poverty, drugs, corruption, immigration, or Iraq–the Tighty Righties say the fate of Christmas is far more important to the survival of the greatest country in the world.
Preach your children well, as Cat Stevens might say if he weren’t a Muslim.
Now I know I’m getting a jumpstart on this particular war. I know the Thanksgiving turkey is nowhere near the groaning board , and I know (thank God!) that the incessant chimes of commercialism are only starting to get their bell rung.
But I can see it coming clear as the mistletoe upside your head. The Tighty Righties, hoisted by their own petard in the election just past, are really hurting for really important things to get outraged about. Number one on this list of mist is the phrase “Happy Holidays.” Say it at your own risk this year, because The Tighties will come down on you like a brick house. Say “Merry Christmas” and you’re in the clear, because–hello!–”Christ” is right there in Christmas like somebody planned it that way. “Happy Holidays” means you have no values and need a conservative to put a good whupping on you with some of that religious waterboarding they treat like Holy Water. Wish anyone a holiday that includes happiness and you have simply gone over the thin bluenose line.
Forewarned is forearmed: let happy holiday foreplay begin! Give your friends the gift of outrage this Christmas while there’s still time.